See what I did there, started it off all politically correct. This should go swimmingly..
Sorry but it's just not fun anymore!
Yesterday marked the end of the season (I for one am thankful).. There I was sitting down with my first cup of morning Java. I enjoyed it with a new Italian sweet cream. You all should try it! With Starbucks new coffee. Oh so good.. But I digress..
Like most mornings I logged into FB, and the very first post in my feed was from a Navy spouse who happens to run a Chiefs spouse page, he/she was welcoming the new Chief spouses into the mess... WHAT??? It took me a second to realize what I was seeing. I even checked the page to be sure I hadn't somehow stumbled onto a REAL Chiefs page.. I reread the post thinking maybe she/he was welcoming the spouses into the Chiefs community. (Although I am still stumped on that one as well) Nope, it was a spouse page, and said spouse was welcoming other spouses into the mess. Like the real one. You know the one the service members go to daily for work. Yep that one! I just shook my head and moved on about my day..
As the day progressed I began to notice a trend. Spouses welcoming so and so into the mess. Congratulating this person or that on their promotion. But, here is the thing not a single person being welcomed or congratulated is actually serving their country. Sorry, being married to someone in the Military doesn't mean we serve. Put all the bumper stickers on your car you want, but unless/until you sign an actual contract, complete boot camp and take a set of orders you are NOT in the military! No waking up at 4 am to be at work, spending months sleeping in a tiny rack, or running the PRT. NOPE!
I would have to think back, but I don't seem to recall Ian needing my help to take the Chiefs test. Just like I was not there when he took the test for E-4, 5 or 6. I was slowly becoming more and more frustrated. Why, you ask? Well, pull up a chair because I am going to tell you, or if you are one of the people this letter is written to click the back button now and commence the shit talking :)
I do not love my husband any more now then I did before he was a Chief. There seems to be this misconception that being a Chiefs spouse somehow gives one status. Um, let me see. NOPE! I was even given a nice little handbook to read at the meet and greet. (in all honesty I had never seen the handbook until about 6 weeks ago, didn't even know it existed) ha ha ha! Personally I think that handbook should be given to ALL new Navy spouses. Take Chief off the cover and just title it Navy Spouse! The day you get married to someone in the military you should be given 2 things. A sign that reads "everything in the Navy is written in Jello", and a Navy Spouse handbook. The one I read is chalked full of resources that ALL Navy spouses should be aware of.
Who I am as a wife/mother/(fill in the blank with career, as this seems to change with each duty station) is not undervalued because my husband is Navy. Who I am is no less important that who he is. What he does for his career does not equate to me being below him. And, in some cases what I do to help his career.. Preparing the subpar meals, (some of you all know I can operate a rice cooker and boil pasta with the best of them) and keeping our sock basket full so he can root around at 5 am looking for a matching pair is important. Yes, he makes more money that I do. Yes, his career will always have to come first. That is just the way the cookie crumbled for us. But, see here is the thing, it was the same when he was an E-6, E-5.. you get my drift. Who we are as a married couple and family is the exact same today as it was the day Ian enlisted. With the exception of more little minions running our lives, oh and less money (blame said minions) ....
This inherent need to wear a rank not bestowed to you is making things much worse for moral. I get pride! The day Ian was pinned Chief my chest swelled with pride for him. Walking out with my man in his Khakis was an amazing feeling. (not to mention Ian can rock a set of Khakis) You see Ian had worked so hard for his career. Missed so many milestones in our lives. Celebrated one to many birthdays and anniversaries with a phone call (if we were lucky) Chief was his goal. A benchmark of sorts. All his hard work and dedication had paid off. He earned it, and I could not have been happier! And, PLEASE don't give me that, we sacrifice crap.. We as Chief spouses don't sacrifice anymore than any other spouse. If anything we should know and understand how trying being married to someone in the Navy can be.
Is military life different YES! I would even go so far as to say more stressful than a regular job/career. But, it is stressful from DAY 1, no matter the rank. Officer, enlisted, chief, or petty officer. As spouses we all have the same issues. Same worries. We all have our days where bed time can't come fast enough, and making that pay check stretch an extra week keeps us up at night. Every single one of us has paced the floor at 2am praying that they are safe. Quietly asking for the strength to just get through one more deployment. Swearing that this is the LAST ONE! He will just get out, retire, and work at Home Depot. OK, well maybe not all of us, but most.
This us/them mentality is being perpetuated more and more in the Navy community by those spouses who should know better! I for one am sick to death of it. Pad your own resume, and stop walking around with your spouses taped to your chest. All it's doing, really.. all it's doing is driving away the diversity that keeps the Navy community so unique and fun. More and more spouses are puling away from the community. Keeping themselves apart all together. Just take a minuet to join your local FB page, Notice how many spouses are on the page, then notice how many actually post on said page. It tends to be the same ones over and over.. Posting in the same tone. I would venture to guess most are the same base to base..(save a select few) We are loosing so much of the good that existed back when Ian was an E-4, 5. I was blessed to know so many wives of all different ranks. We would sit in the Piazza while the kids played and wait for our guys who all worked so hard. Each one with our own story, our own unique spin on life. And it was FUN! Hanging out at the Holiday (see dad my diversity is still kicking) dancing, drinking, and just letting go off all the mundane things Navy life throws at us. Helping one another out with childcare because if we don't get just 2 hours of quiet time we are going off the first bridge we see. Relying on one another for a cup of milk, or shot of vodka. Depending on the day. Planning home coming and half way parties. Getting a group of gals together at someones house the night before to trade deployment stories and manicures. Gathering on the Pier and watching with pride as our Sailors came HOME! Knowing deep down the cycle would start all over again. But, knowing that no matter what you had your support system.
So, the next time you meet a spouse either in real life or via a FB page, take a moment and introduce YOU to them.. Chances are we all have a lot more in common then we think.. :)
I completely agree with you!
ReplyDeleteBeing an ex-Air Force family (YAY for ex-ness!), I have to say I do not miss the mentality of some spouses or commanders who want to treat all of us like we're somehow part of the military.
The Air Force was my husband's job. I had my own job, my own life. Oh, sure, I supported him, was there for him, dealt with the long days, the TDYs, deployments, etc. But I wasn't the one wearing the uniform or answering to the order.
When wives thought they could bully me into participating in squadron functions, I was very honest about telling them I had zero interest in it.
Now, some wives really embrace the military lifestyle and helping out, volunteering, etc. That's lovely. They should do it if it makes them happy and fulfills them (just as my own life makes me happy).
But they need to get past the mentality that they are somehow part of the military themselves. We are (were) a SUPPORT SYSTEM. Nothing more.
But when our spouses are promoted, honored, receiving orders, etc., that's about them - not us. Like you said, I certainly had to be flexible around my husband's job, but his job was not mine. His rank was not mine. If he got a promotion, it had nothing to do with me.
Appreciate the spouses for their sacrifices, sure, but it's the men and women in uniform who are serving.
I knew I avoided the milspouse community for a reason. I'm sure there are lovely milspouses out there (I've met a few online and in person) but overall, eh I'd rather fly solo or hang with folks not affiliated with Uncle Sam. Plus I hate when the first question out of a milspouse's mouth is "So what rank is your husband?" Seriously? Why does that even matter?
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